Lesson for a lifetime

I was talking with an acquaintance last week when she learned of my news for the first time. Now I have found everyone reacts differently to such news, and I have learned not to read too much in to these things. Yet this woman with this newly discovered news began to divulge to me the secret of life -- seeing as I didn't have time left to discover it myself. She had read a book, and it even had a whole chapter on cancer. And evidently it said cancer is a blessing, for you now know your fate, can stop worring about it and focus on the here and now. I realize I'm probably being a bit hard on her, but really...it hit a nerve. That a woman donning a skin tight spaghetti strapped top reading "Hooter's girl" across her chest is to be my budda to a life well lived? Or that she is suddenly an expert on my so called life after reading a 20 page excerpt from a book? Yes, a small nerve is flaring here.

But I reflected, what HAS changed? Because I know I am not the same person I was a year ago. Close, but not the same. I'm still pretty much the same person. I'm not hideously disfigured. You would all still recognize me. I still enjoy my sarcasm. I still put my foot in my mouth just as frequently.

So here it what has changed, what I have discovered about myself and my journey:

I learned I am not in charge here. Someone else is steering my wheel, and for that I am thankful.

If I'm taking life lessons from a book (like the above mentioned book), the author needs some serious credibility. Purely secular writers don't hold much weight for me these days. It is merely the difference of perspective and appreciation. Writings of various saints and religious pop to mind. Though my faith has long been an important aspect of my life, I understand even more clearly how it touches all aspects of my life.

In reading so many various lives of the saints, I have also discovered this - I am not them. Nor were any of them each other. They were all unique. Therefore, although they set very good examples and models for me to follow, it is for me to find my own path that God has laid out especially for me.

I learned how to ask for help. Not something that came easily, but became a necessity. And I even had help asking for help!

I graciously learned how many people rise to the occasion and WANT to help, and how blessed I am to have such people in my life.

I also learned not everyone rises to the occasion when called. Some disappoint us time and time again. And to find compassion and forgiveness within myself, particularly when I'd rather feel sorry for myself, can be difficult, but necessary.

I learned who I could lean on; and who I couldn't.

I learned who true friends were, and made many more along the way.

I learned how important it is to tell our friends and family how much we cherish each and every one of them.

Most of all, I learned it is more important to know who I want to be rather than what I am. It is more important to know where I want to go rather than where I am at this very moment. Whether I make it 3 years or 50 years, to strive to be that person I want others to see in me. To make a positive difference, even if so little, in other's lives, as so many have done for me.

Coming up on a year!

This September holds some big landmarks days for us. The first has passed - September 13th. My mom's birthday. Same day we received the news that would turn our worlds on end. One single xray, something I hadn't had done for 8 years, would show something that made my otherwise docile grandfatherly doctor very excitable. It was a sort of morbid curiosity and intrigue behind the excitement that was a bit disturbing. The rest was a whirlwind. I remember driving across town, to the hospital, my doctor's office, anyplace I've been where they might have an older chest xray to compare. None. Back to the hospital for a CT scan. Home by 1:00. By 3:00 we had a cardio-thoracic surgeon lined up and a date on the calendar. Still, everyone had assured us it was benign. We wouldn't find out until the day of surgery, Sept. 24th, that it wasn't. Midway through surgery to be precise, when they biopsied a frozen section while I was still lying open on the table. Half my left lung would now be removed, which was still better than the "worse case scenario" (the entire lung would come out) laid out for us days before as the surgeon gave us full disclosure.

I have now completed my second post-treatment check-up with flying colors. While every clean scan is a welcomed relief, I have to admit much of it seems so anti-climatic. You're good (for another 3 months)! To live in such increments is difficult. Having marked a year, I do feel better, more encouraged, more optimistic. I still have a hard time getting much enthusiasm for any real long term plans, but I'm sure that will come, given time.

My fatigue is still high. It's hard to measure as I've never been a morning person to begin with, but now I'm not a morning, afternoon or night person. I keep getting told it is likely residual from the chemo, and may take as much as a year out of treatment to feel back up to full speed. Keeping busy does help stave off the fatigue, but I just fall harder!

I have also become an official hypochondriac. Every little ache and pain now sends off paranoia that the cancer has returned - and spread. Granted, I'm sure entering middle age has nothing to do with it. And knowing all the places lung cancer metastasizes to doesn't help matters along. I'm now under the gentle care of an internist, alongside my oncologist, who is excellent at traversing this road with me without making me feel like a complete idiot.

On other notes, school is back in swing here full force. Our days are busy, which is a good thing to occupy my mind. We are finding more and more ways to break from routine, head outdoors as long as weather permits, and still get much accomplished. The kids are asking for "recesses" this year, where we go for walks in the neighborhood and maybe stop at a park where I read to them books we never seem to find time to get to. It really draws out the school day longer, but nobody is complaining (yet). I am finally having glimpses of what I HOPED home schooling would be like. A taste of success, and an appetite for more.

Our computer also crashed here a few months ago, and I lost ALL of our contacts we had saved in Outlook. Phone numbers, addresses, emails, everything. So if you read this - drop me an email so I can update. Chances are if you haven't heard from me it's because I'm so disorganized and I don't know how to get in touch with you! You can reach me at two4cy@windstream.net.